Tis the Season.

I am making a list. I am rolling with my top 5 acceptable Xmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa presents. I am sucking religion out of it completely so bibles, dredels, wooden candle holders won't be making the cut. They wouldn't make the cut even if my list had a gajillion numbers because I am an American and the Holiday season is just a big old Greed Party. I call a spade, a spade.

ACCEPTABLE & PREFERRED:

5. Socks. You can never have too many pairs of socks. One always gets lost. I know. Every comedian alive has a bit about the one sock lost in a Dryer 4th dimension. And now that I have moved past puberty, I understand the glory that is new socks. Thanks, Lala!

4. Carton of cigarettes. I know per Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club that a carton of cigarettes symbolizes an abusive father. Not so, Judd. Keep your incorrect stereotypes parked in 80s flicks. A carton of cigarettes symbolizes the deep abiding love a parent has for a child. Ask my mom.

3. Gift certificates. Let me say this again for all those that doubt the beauty of a gift certificate: Receiving a gift certificate is glorious because you can pick out your own shit. It is not boring, unoriginal, no thought. It is perfect. True. Right. As a girl, I always received stuff I couldn't use-- like perfume, costume jewelry, New Kids on the Block tapes. I wanted none of that. Thank you, Gift Certficate, for giving me back my Holiday autonomy, my god given Right to Choose.

2. Booze. I am an adult. Booze is good. Please. That is what I would like to receive.

1. Money. Receiving money from family is just like a big hug. It's like a Holiday get together without all the fighting.