ATL: Gentrification & You, Pt.1 in a series of 701.7 square miles

photo by Chris Wilson (Google image search)

A famous Atlanta artist enriched my daily drudgery with these signs a few years back. The first time I saw one posted, I had to have it & pulled it off an L5P telephone poll. Whoever came up with idea to lube them up, in case the cops or I wanted to make off with the magicalness, was pretty brilliant. I was covered in the shit by the time I walked home.

As a beneficiary in Atlanta's recent gentrification, EDGEWOOD REPRESENT!, I'll try to be very conscious of my own hypocrisy as I try to give you a chronicle of why Atlanta's gentrification seems more retarded(dare I say dastardly? as an under 80 person without a Snively Whiplash mustache?) than what's going on in the rest of the country.

Gentrification is nothing new in the U.S. Atlanta's still in loaded diapes compared to everywhere else-- probably largely due to the affordability of the housing market & the glut of developers with a hard- on for sprawlgasming everywhere. In fact, I think Macon is now being considered "Metro Atlanta." And thanks to the excellent data at http://www.sprawlcity.org/hbis/index.html I have now learned that Atlanta's effing #1!!! (cue the coyote howling) with 701.7 square miles of sprawl. So, of course with all the new construction in & around Macon, Atlanta was late to the Gentrification party, y'all. The desire for old "stately" homes just wasn't there, not when a stainless steel range was also up for grabs.

Unfortunately, Atlanta Developers (again with the coyote howling) seemed to forget that we basically have 2 highways. Shit, there is no "basically" about it. We only have 2 highways in & out of the city- 85 & 75. We have 285, but you can only get onto it by 75 and/or 85. This is also the tragic flaw of I20, 78, 316 & 400. So good work, Georgia Highway Planners. Kudos to you. Our highways have been unable to support the massive amounts of people commuting from Macon, so another study says we have the 4th worst traffic in the country. We are breathing down LA's neck for the title of #1 (sleep with one eye open, LA). So yeah, blah blah blah all the white suburbanites are "over" traffic & want to hop back into the city. I am a touch cynical (can you tell? does it show?) & believe it's also because Atlanta's leading population of middle class African Americans are also heading to the 'burbs (of the sub & ex types) causing a rush to jump back in (and away). White flight's roundtrip, if you will.

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh! The fresh hell that is Atlanta's version of Gentrification. The dastardly nature of Atlanta's push back in & what makes it a beast unto itself is the city's unwillingness to not bulldoze everything that ages 25 years. I think it is hilarious that all Atlantans must visit the same 3 landmarks (read: buildings built before 1970) when they have company in town. Underground? Historic Mall with shitty shops & it's under ground! Frigging check. Rhodes Hall? Stood strong against Sherman! Frigging check check! Crispy- fried Margaret Mitchell House? Rebuilt 250 times after arson!! Frigging check. check. check. So we are stuck with Lofts. The Yuppie Ghettoes. The Overpriced Shitoles. Not old Lofts, mind you. Atlanta is in short supply of real, honest to god, ex-Industrial spaces as they have exceeded their 25 year old lifespan. Yep, those are very rare. We are instead stuck with a Developer's new vision for Urban Living. In Cabbagetown/Reynoldstown it's the Illtown Lofts (I refuse to call them Milltown Lofts, since the M keeps getting stolen & Illtown is far more appropriate.) We are drowning in Loft developments. Seriously. Drown. ing. They must have made some developers some money & now they all want a piece of the action. In my own neighborhood, EDGEWOOD REPRESENT!, we have a new development in the Retail District (which is also a new development, natch) mysteriously called The Shoe FactoryLofts. Why mysterious? Because they are BRAND. NEW. LOFTS. There wasn't a factory there. Ever? Ever. The randomness of attaching some fake effing trade is the most desperate marketing ploy I have heard of lately. Score one for retarded marketing folks & the folks who will buy in The Shoe Factory Lofts. You got a piece of Atlanta history there, folks.

Tis the Season.

I am making a list. I am rolling with my top 5 acceptable Xmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa presents. I am sucking religion out of it completely so bibles, dredels, wooden candle holders won't be making the cut. They wouldn't make the cut even if my list had a gajillion numbers because I am an American and the Holiday season is just a big old Greed Party. I call a spade, a spade.

ACCEPTABLE & PREFERRED:

5. Socks. You can never have too many pairs of socks. One always gets lost. I know. Every comedian alive has a bit about the one sock lost in a Dryer 4th dimension. And now that I have moved past puberty, I understand the glory that is new socks. Thanks, Lala!

4. Carton of cigarettes. I know per Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club that a carton of cigarettes symbolizes an abusive father. Not so, Judd. Keep your incorrect stereotypes parked in 80s flicks. A carton of cigarettes symbolizes the deep abiding love a parent has for a child. Ask my mom.

3. Gift certificates. Let me say this again for all those that doubt the beauty of a gift certificate: Receiving a gift certificate is glorious because you can pick out your own shit. It is not boring, unoriginal, no thought. It is perfect. True. Right. As a girl, I always received stuff I couldn't use-- like perfume, costume jewelry, New Kids on the Block tapes. I wanted none of that. Thank you, Gift Certficate, for giving me back my Holiday autonomy, my god given Right to Choose.

2. Booze. I am an adult. Booze is good. Please. That is what I would like to receive.

1. Money. Receiving money from family is just like a big hug. It's like a Holiday get together without all the fighting.