Cruising 101-- Imports for now

Cruising 101
Waaaay past due on this one, but whatevers.
In order to have a cruise not completely suck-- they might still suck even after you heed my warnings, but it will be less of a suck.

1.) Pack 1,000 bottles of water in your belongings. They try to freak you out by saying "only X amount will be allowed" but they lie. They want you to buy sodas & water on board-- so they'll try to cap your water limit. Eff those caps, do what you want.

The reason you MUST pack 1,000 bottles of water is that Cruise ship water is doodoo. Perhaps literally. It gives you the doodoos-- a.k.a building "Mayan Temples in the toilets" (Thanks, TK for that perfect reference). It smells like doodoo & it tastes like doodoo. Joel was soo convinced he had gotten the norovirus from the water, he began to brush his teeth ONLY with bottled water-- not Evian, cause we aren't rich jagoffs, but Dasani or some other less like doodoo bottled water.

2.) Pack booze. Hide it in your underwears, but PACK IT. The Cruise line will also try to make you too afraid to do this with assertions that it is ILLEGAL, blah blah blah JAIL blah blah blah THE BRIG blah blah blah. The real reason is not illegality, the real reason is they want you to buy their weak & sort of over priced beverages. Don't let them trick you. Getting through a cruise is only possible if you stay drunk.

3.) Cruise ship food is not really that good and could also literally be doodoo. Don't believe the people that say it is yummy. At least, it's not that good on Carnival. You can't buy vegetables on a Cruise ship. It is Pizza, Burgers, Fries or NOTHING-- for 1 day and a half that is totally cool! But 4 days & I cannot doodoo unless I have had a steaming glass of cruise ship water.

4.) If you like traveling but don't want to think about where you are going to eat, what new things you could see, etc. Please go on a cruise. It is a floating mall. You will love it! I overheard many people saying "It's sooo nice to not have to think about where we are going to eat." "It's soo nice to not have to get lost in a strange city" Awesome, people.. cruising is for you! If you do like to travel to other places away from Americans & experience other cultures as a minority & not a majority-- CRUISING IS NOT FOR YOU. If changing money is too difficult, if walking around is a pain in the ass, if reading a map is like deciphering Hieroglyphics, if you are scared to talk to strangers-- than cruising is for you!! Have at it!

5.) when you get to port, get in a cab & go. Talk to the cabbie, he will take you somewhere away from the boat. Do it. Go. Now.

6.) There was no shuffleboard on this particular ship.

7.) Dancing & getting drunk is always a great time. Grab a bunch of your friends, have them pack a buncha water, vegetables & booze & go on a cruise. Drunken dancing while the ship is swaying can lead to some new & improved dance machinery. Just stay away from the rail.