Requiem for a Green Thunder

Requiem for a Green Thunder 1994-2007

Some asshole stole my car on June 8th. It was between the hours of Midnight & 9 am, but because the HUB & I were nestled in the house making breakfast, drinking coffee & watching Kathy Griffin, I didn't realize until I was getting ready for the bout. Joel was in the shower & yelled "Um, babe?" "huh?" "Um, your car isn't in the driveway." I ran outside thinking he missed it being parked AT OUR FUCKING HOUSE. No dice. Green Thunder was gone. Some total piece of shit just threw my love of no car payments into the gah-bage. Yes, in the Edge-hood I guess your 1994 car is not safe. But the dude who owns the Benz next to me is a-ok. (Not that I wish his car was stolen instead. Well, yeah there is a small person in me who wished his car was stolen instead). He probably had theft insurance.

I will now conduct the eulogy for Green Thunder as she is probably already dismantled in a Chop Shop by this point (Fuck all you car thieves! She deserved to croak on her own! -- & at 13, it would've happened sooner than later-- not to be murdered by you complete shmuckos!).
Green Thunder, you've been with me since College. I remember I had to get you because the one that came before was totaled in Chicago when I was coming home for Thanksgiving & some dillhole ran a stop sign. Every time I drove through Chicago in you, I was scared. They really are the worst drivers in the entire universe. I mean, maybe Singapore is worse, but they are pretty effing terrible. Left turn from the right lane? Awesome. I hate to say it, but I loved you more than the one before you. Your speakers were radical (though in a few years, they were a little blown out) & blah blah great gas mileage & stuffs. One of my best friends from College christened you with a Buddha for the dashboard when I first brought you back to school-- he called it our "Chinese Insurance." You were with me through many Minnesota blizzards when I had to dig you out of the snow & you started every time (even when you had to stay on the streets overnight cause College apartments never have garages-- at least the ones I could afford). You weren't that pretty any more with all your wrinkles, dents & scratches (sometimes parking is hard, GT). But you were mine and I loved you. You kept all my CDs (gotdamn car thieves) even the Dr. Octagon I just found & brought back to you a week ago. And thinking on it, this really could be The Kool Keith Curse since I said his last show blew-- he may have powerful gris gris & I may have doomed you, GT.

Just realize this wasn't my choice, Thunder. I didn't trade you in for a newer model. I never cheated on you. You were radical & dependable as always. But I beg you, if those motherfuckers are driving you, I am going to need you to go ahead & drop your transmission. Please have every drop of your gas effing evaporate (I am sure that douche won't be going to any gas stations). Or how about you spring the airbag so that fucker breaks his nose & crashes? That would kick tons of ass & you definitely deserve some kamikaze or hari kari type action.

Cause GT, you earned it buddy.

RIP Green Thunder 1994-2007.